Meditations on Torturous Meditation
“Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.” ~ Oscar Wilde.
It is not often I come back from a trip and immediately find myself longing to go back. For the first time, I returned home and immediately – a few weeks after (which is basically immediately in my world) – started editing photos, looking back through my field journal, and bringing into school lessons I had learned. One of the most difficult experiences I had and one my students and friends find the funniest, were the moments of meditation. This is the part of the trip that did not make me long to return, but the part that made me appreciate home more.
I didn’t share this too much during my course in Thailand because of how different it seemed for me compared to my classmates and I didn’t want to rain on anyone’s parade, but meditation was often painfully torturous and sometimes actually just painful to me. This is probably more reason why I need to meditate more – and probably start doing yoga – so that when I do meditate it’s not hell. Studies have proven over-and-over again that practicing meditation over a period of weeks can actually reduce stress and remove anxiety (Coppola and Spector 2009). This is definitely not one of those times.
During a course I took (Earth Expeditions) through MUOhio, I spent time in Thailand learning about conservation and experiencing meditation and mindfulness practices with Buddhist monks. One of these experiences took me to Wat Pa Sukato in the Chaiyaphum Province of Thailand. We had the honor of learning meditation practices from Phra Paisal Visalo, one of the monks leading a conservation movement in Thailand.
I’ve spent time in nature – going out into woods and spending hours just listening and being in the wild – but the mediations and mindfulness practices of Thailand really broke my sanity. Over the course of four days at Wat Sukato I participated in guided meditation for the first time and spent 4 hours – yeah, F O U R hours – alone, attempting to meditate in a Thai forest. It’s not so much that I was in a forest for four hours alone, as it was that my surroundings made it miserable…. and then comparing it to other peoples’ experiences made it worse. I know it’s selfish, but somehow others’ awesome eco-solos made mine seem that much more painful.
Guided meditation Pointing out everything that hurts is the practice of laying down and slowly being guided through mindful focus on each area of your body. “Focus on your head, and only your head and how your ears feel as vibrations of my voice hit them, then move to your hair and feel it growing”…. something to that effect. For me it was a realization of all the pain and soreness I ignore. “Focus on your knees” – they hurt – “then move on to your lower back” – god that’s painful – “now your hips” – damn, they’re sore… can I stop laying on the painful floor now?! Many of my classmates and students that have participated in this usually go right to sleep and feel refreshed and relaxed and ready to get back into the world renewed!
After spending a few days learning how much I hurt, we were going to do something that was right in my wheelhouse – spending time. alone. in nature. Definitely something I’m good at if you could be good at such a thing. I love to spend free time kayaking and backpacking to places where I’m alone… away from people and technology.
We walked silently along the trail, stopping every so often as Phra Paisal chose a spot off-trail for a student to spend their four hour eco-solo. I waited patiently until my turn came and chose a spot that had a natural dry water drainage ditch I could walk down. I spent ten minutes or so surveying the area alone and walked around through mild brush to find a good area to set-up my plastic rice bag for meditation. I was going to give it my best attempt to meditate versus just hanging out and looking at things… more of a mindful effort.
I set my plastic “mat” down in a little area that was fairly clear of undergrowth and insects, proceeded to sit, and began focusing on my breathing. The air was warm and humid but I was comfortable and at peace alone in a foreign forest, listening to familiar sounds of nature. Buzzzzzz. Buzzzzz. Buzzzzz. BUUUUZZZZZZZZ!
Mosquitos promptly began eating me alive. Now, I blame myself for this bit because I don’t wear insect repellent. I rarely ever get bitten and I enjoy being able to be around wildlife without killing a frog or insect through touch. My breath began to increase as I came to the realization that I still had 4 hours of meditation and no way of not being annoyed and bitten to death.
Buzzzzz….Buzzzz… Buzzzzz!!!! What the F$CK! Screw this! I put on my rain poncho. It’s over 90 degrees and close to a million percent humidity. I’m now dripping sweat in a plastic poncho while mosquitos find their way in through the openings. Sitting. Trying to slow my breathing and focus again. I sit and close the poncho over my shoes and put my arms in the holes and close the hood around my hat and face. Mosquitos – still finding ways in somehow! I don’t know how… maybe cutting holes through the plastic? Maybe just biting me through everything.
I really try to focus. I start doing a 14-point hand meditation while sitting… in my poncho. Buzzz. Buzzzz. I can’t stop the mosquitos and I can’t stop my breathing from increasing as I decide I want to burn the forest down. Walking has to be better.
I stand and begin trying to find a spot for walking meditation. Too much brush is in the way. All the plants have “protector” ant species hanging on them as I brush up against the plants and begin to get stung. There’s a fairly clear area where the drainage ditch is. I start a walking meditation… the mosquitos are no longer biting me because I’m moving… and I’m able to slow my breath again. I’m probably a whole 30 minutes into the four hours.
Walking quickly becomes a laborious task as I’m drenched and dripping in sweat, working to avoid the foot-long millepedes covering the forest floor where I am, and zig-zagging through a mix of plants covered in ants, spines, and spiny ants. Burn it all down! My breath picks up… and I know it does because I’m still trying to focus.
I find a vine that looks like a swing, sit on it and begin to swing. The breeze is cooling, the wind prevents mosquitos from biting me, and there are no ants on it. Life is good. My breathing slows. The vine is bleeding. Bleeding? Yes, bleeding. A red liquid is dripping from the vine. Neat. Probably shouldn’t touch it as I’m sure it’ll cause a rash and my hand to fall off. I walk a little more, come back to swing because it’s too hot, and find the vine to be bleeding more. I’m causing the vine to bleed more. I’m hurting the vine. No more swinging.
I decide to give sitting meditation another shot. I go back to the mat to find it completely black. It was bright white before. It is now covered in an entire ant colony that decided the best place to move was the seat I vacated. Yay. My breathing speeds up again. Losing focus. I probably only have like 3 hours and 15 minutes left.
I can’t leave the mat in the forest, so I pick it up and spend 30 minutes or so cleaning off all of the ants. I turn to get a snack from my bag. It was always black, but the outside was never moving. It is also now covered in ants. Ants from the tree it was hanging on. Ants that decided to try to eat the lunch I brought. I now have something new to clean ants off of.
New meditation goal: stand still holding everything under my poncho dripping sweat without trying to run away, burn the forest down, or kill everything. Don’t need to breath because if I pass out I won’t care or know what’s biting me. The remaining hours are spent standing and holding everything under the poncho and weaving through plants and insects on a walking meditation to avoid going insane. Exposure to nature increases connectedness to nature, evokes positive emotions, and increases the ability to reflect on a life problem (Mayer, Frantz, Bruehlman-Senecal and Dolliver 2008). I definitely felt more connected in an everything-is-biting-me-why?! kind of way, but what if the problem I’m reflecting on is nature?
Phra Paisal comes and collects all of us for a debrief. My classmates tell tales of laying in grassy meadows surrounded by butterflies and falling asleep. Tales of hitting the zone of enlightenment and meditation. My professor even admits to being so comfortable she falls asleep. One person even has a “Snow White” moment where a little woodland creatures runs up to him, greets him, and scampers off into the magical forest. I keep my mouth shut. I focus on my breathing and try to slow it to not explode. My classmates and professors can hear of my wondrous experience some other time. I’ll keep my magical moments to myself.
I continue to avoid guided meditation but help students experience it. I also continue to take solo trips into nature, but they are much more meditative, mosquito-free and relaxing. I like using this story to make people laugh and see that not every memorable moment needs to be about butterflies and beauty. Nothing makes you appreciate your surroundings and what you have more than experiences that show you the grass isn’t always greener.
Coppola, F. and Spector, D. 2009. Natural stress-relief mediation as a tool for reducing anxiety and increasing self-actualization. Social Behavior and Personality: an international journal. v. 37. pp. 307-311.
Mayer, F. S., Frantz, C. M., Bruehlman-Seneca, E., and Dolliver, K. Why Is Nature Beneficial?: The Role of Connectedness to Nature. Environment and Behavior. 2008. v. 41. pp. 607-643.
